Moving onwards
by Layleu
Summary: I always wondered what it would take for Stephanie to realise her feeling for Ranger and what she would do at the thought of losing him. This story is m take on that scenario. Read and Review :
1. Prologue

You walked away and left me broken

Filled with angst and words unspoken

My heart ripped open, my pain was real

I no longer had the ability to feel

At first I felt angry and betrayed

You left me alone, you walked away

My days felt empty, my heart was stone

I was determined to walk this life alone

Then came the tears, and bitter reflection

I felt the loss of your comfort and affection

My best friend was gone, I wanted you back

My heart was broken, my life off track

My hopes arose when I got your call

But you wanted friendship that was all

Reality hit me, it really was over

I had to let you go, my four leaf clover

Some time passed and I started to see

That this wasn't the person I wanted to be

Filled with anger at what I had lost

I tried to move on, no matter the cost

It was hard at first, admitting mistakes

Taking responsibility, for the dramas it creates

But from the moment I did, I started to feel

And at long last , my heart began to heal

So here we are, trying to be friends

But to me, its more tying up lose ends

My feelings for you are forever changed

The trust once there, has been betrayed

You now have someone new in your life

Keeping me around, will cause you strife

I am asking now, for you to let me go

How to be your friend, I no longer know

So here I am, now starting to see

All the possibilities that lie ahead of me

The journey I took was hard and long

Making the person inside of me strong

In my heart you will always be

For you were the first to really see

How lost I was, you helped me find my way

And for that I thank you everyday


	2. You walked away and left me broken

**Chapter One - You walked away and left me broken**

'Ranger wait' Stephanie pleaded as Ranger walked away from her towards her apartment door.

Ranger stopped mid stride and turned to face the woman in front of him "what more is there to wait for babe'

"it's not that simple and you know it' Stephanie said her voice hardening a fraction

Ranger gave a slight shrug, his face a blank mask "Morelli proposed and you accepted, I came to find out if it was true, and that rock on your hand answers my question'

Stephanie felt frustrated tears start to sting the back of her eyes "ok, I get it I said yes, but that doesn't mean anything between us has to change'

Ranger sighed "it means everything changes Stephanie'

"Why' she pleaded wanting him to for once to explain what he was feeling, what he was thinking.

Ranger let out an exasperated breath "because now you belong to Morelli, you are off limits, I may have a gray moral code babe, but once you place a ring on your finger you are another man's territory'

Stephanie felt anger rise inside her "and since when have you been so concerned about Morelli's territory, I have been with Morelli for years and we have still stayed close, please just tell me why things have to change so much'

"because you are getting married babe, you will be living in his house, sharing his life, you will be in his world in the burg, you have always skirted that line, being a part of the Burg but not giving into the demands of it, by accepting his proposal, by placing that ring on your finger you have now stepped into that life, and in that world is no place for me' Rangers voice softened "you have finally made a choice Steph, don't be sad about it, embrace it, be happy'

Stephanie felt the tears start to fall down her face, she didn't bother to wipe them away, her heart felt too heavy, Ranger was walking out of her life and she couldn't comprehend what that would mean, all she could feel was a numbing pain in her heart, she was losing her best friend. If she was honest with herself she would realise she was losing much more than that.

Stephanie looked up and met Rangers gaze for what might be the last time

"I didn't realise accepting Morelli meant I would lose you'

Ranger closed his eyes for a heartbeat then opened them and closed the distance between himself and Stephanie, he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her and a tight hug "you will never lose me, not really, I just need to do this, to take some time away sort a few things out. If you ever need me for anything you can call me, we just can't stay as we were babe, that's all there is to it'

Stephanie sank into Rangers hug and held on to him afraid that he was going to vanish at any moment. The tears were now flowing freely down her face so she buried her head into Rangers shoulder, trying to deny any of this was really happening.

Ranger felt her crying and felt a sharp pain run through him, he didn't want to hurt her "answer me one question' he asked his voice husky

Stephanie didn't lift her head or let go of Ranger but she nodded hoping Ranger understood that as a yes.

"Do you love him' Ranger asked his voice barely a whisper

Stephanie pulled back slightly and looked up into Rangers face "yes, I think I do'

Ranger flinched slightly but recovered so quick if she didn't know him better she would have thought she imagined it "then that's all you need to know babe'

Ranger gave her one more gentle squeeze then released his hold on her and reached down and placed his lips to hers in a sweet gentle kiss, he then took a step back "don't be afraid to be happy babe' he said and then turned and walked out her door without looking back.

What he didn't see was Stephanie sink to the floor tears pouring down her face, holding her chest in agony as she softly whispered the words "But I love you two" to his back and her closing door.


	3. Filled with Angst and words unpoken

2. Filled with angst and words unspoken

Stephanie watched the door close and felt her knees give out as she sank to the ground in despair. She let the tears fall; the sobs shudder through her body and the pain radiate through her heart. She thought she deserved everything she felt. She had let her best friend walk away without stopping him, without telling him she loved him, without really fighting for him.

She finally felt the tears dry up, and her body started to relax, the pain had subsided to a dull numb empty feeling. Feeling relieved the pain had stopped for now she closed her eyes, feeling exhausted, fell asleep on the floor where Ranger had left her.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she felt something lightly shaking her by the shoulder. She attempted to open her eyes but they felt crusty and glued shut. She breathed a deep breath and reached her hands up to rub her eyes open. The shaking stopped and she slowly opened her eyes to see who had woken her up.

She found herself looking into the concerned eyes of Joe Morelli.

"Cupcake are you ok? What happened' he asked his voice full of concern.

Stephanie sat up and took Joes offered hand and felt herself pulled to her feet "nothing I was just tired' she answered her voice sounding husky.

Jo gave her a doubtful look "Steph you look like shit, like you have been crying, what's wrong'

Steph felt irritation rise inside her "I don't want to talk about it, it's nothing' she snapped, instantly feeling guilty at her tone

Joe sighed and took a step towards her "if it's nothing then why did you miss the family dinner at your parents to celebrate our engagement, and why didn't you answer wither of your phones, and why when I raced over here concerned for you did I find you crumpled on the floor looking like your best friend just died'

Stephanie felt a sharp pain go through her at the mention of her best friend; she couldn't help the sob that started at the back of her throat. She quickly pushed it back down and tried to ignore the pain as she made her way over to the couch to sit down, not trusting herself to stand right now.

But she hadn't pushed the sob away fast enough as Joe had heard it "shit cupcake, did something happen to Mary Lou or Eddie, is everything ok'

Steph heard the panic in his voice and forced herself to speak in what she hoped was a reassuring tone "No Joe, they are both fine' it didn't escape her notice that Joe had no idea who her best friend was these days. She barely spoke to Mary Lou anymore, and Eddie was more of a brother.

Joe looked confused "then please tell me what's wrong Steph, and don't say it's nothing, I know you better than that, something has happened to make you react this way'

Steph contemplated telling him the truth, putting it all out there in the open and being honest with him, her heart practically screamed at her to do it, to get it off her chest and alleviate some of the guilt and pain she was feeling. But she couldn't do it, as she wasn't yet ready to accept that it was really happening that Ranger was really gone from her life.

Please Joe, I don't really want to talk about it, I'll tell you when I'm ready I promise, but at the moment all I want to do is have a shower and go to bed'

Joe watched her for a long moment then nodded "ok cupcake, I'm here for you, want me to stay over, keep you company'

Steph shook her head "thanks, but no I'm ok, I just want to be alone right now'

Joe tried to hide the pain he felt at her statement but wasn't quite successful, Steph reached out and touched his arm; He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and said good night.

Stephanie didn't hear him leave, nor did she see him look back and pause in her doorway with a pained expression on his face.


	4. My heart ripped open, my pain was real

3. My heart ripped open, my pain was real

Stephanie awoke the next morning feeling numb; she got out of bed, had a shower, and headed to the bonds office. She bought the usual Boston crème donuts on her way for Lula and Connie, but didn't fell the desire to eat any.

Placed the box down in front of Lula, then grabbed the files out of her inbox that Connie had set up for her and plopped down onto Vinnie's cheap leather couches to read through them,

To her surprise she didn't feel desolate, or grief stricken today she just felt numb. Like someone had sucked all the feelings out of her and put them away for safe keeping. She liked the feeling, she figured she wasn't going to get any work done if she was a blubbering mess and right now she just wanted to go into denial and focus on something.

Steph was so absorbed in her thoughts and case files that she didn't hear the door to the bonds office open. It was only the loss of hearing Connie and Lula fighting over the last Boston crème that caused her to look up. She noticed both Connie and Lula were fanning themselves. Feeling her heart plummet to her feet she knew who was standing at the door.

Turning her insides to stone, Stephanie looked up and met Rangers gaze. He held her gaze for a moment and looked her over briefly as if checking for injury. His gaze paused on her hand for a second, which forced her to drop her gaze and check what he was looking at. Seeing her hand she saw what had caused him to pause, she had forgotten to put her ring back on her finger after her shower this morning.

Feeling anxiety rise inside her she pushed it back down and looked back up at Ranger and gave him slight shrug.

He frowned then nodded her way slightly "Babe' he said softly then walked past her and into Vinnie's office, closing the doors behind him.

Feeling her composure beginning to slip Stephanie jumped up from her seat and practically ran out the door of the bonds office, muttering something about having to go to Connie and Lula without looking at them.

She made it to her car in a flash and opened the door and jumped in. She started the engine and was about to drive off when she realised she couldn't see anything through the blur of tears that had formed in her eyes. Feeling the overwhelming exhaustion wash over her again she gave in and let the tears fall not having the motivation or energy to stop them.

This only lasted a few minutes before she felt the anger begin to rise inside herself. Why was she crying, she was the one who had changed things, she was the one who had made a choice and she was the one that had to live with the consequences. The only problem was she couldn't get the tears to stop.

Cursing her body for betraying her, she smashed her head against the steering wheel in frustration, to her relief the pain from hitting the steering wheel with her forehead relieved some of the pain in her heart, so she did it again, feeling a little better, she found herself doing it over and over, so intent on focusing on the anger and frustration and ignoring the slight blood stain that was starting to form on her steering wheel.

In her frustration Stephanie also didn't notice that every time she hit the steering wheel her horn let out a blaring noise for all to hear, she didn't notice Connie and Lula starting at her through the bonds office window with their mouths hanging open clueless at what to do. Nor did she notice Ranger come out of the bonds office with a curious expression, only for it to drop and change to pain when he saw what was causing the noise.

Ranger closed his eyes, took a fraction of a breath, then marched over to Steph's car, and yanked the driver's side door open. He reached out and pushed her back into the seat so she couldn't smash her head again; he unclipped her seat belt and pushed her over into the passenger's seat.

Ranger ignored her protests as he hopped in the driver's side and started the car and drove away from the bonds office.

Stephanie took a moment to get herself under control and realise she was wasn't crying, or yelling, she was silent, the only sound she could heat radiating through the car was the sound of a massive headache forming behind her eyes. She felt something light and wet drip onto her hand, she looked down and noticed a drop of blood; she reached up and felt her forehead, when she pulled her hand away again her fingers were covered in blood, she looked at her hand and realised she had done this to herself, but instead of feeling shock or guilt, she felt a small gurgle of laughter erupt form her throat.

The gurgle grew into laughter and before she knew it Steph was doubled over laughing hysterically and holding her sides as if to hold off something, or hold something together.

Ranger gave her a sharp look but didn't say anything as he pulled into the garage at Haywood. He pulled her car into her usual parking spot and turned off the engine. Taking a deep breath he looked over at Stephanie and felt bile rise at the back of his throat at what he had seen her doing to herself. She was no longer laughing but was still doubled over holding her sides for dear life.

"Babe' he asked softly not willing to risk what touching her at the moment might do to her fragile state.

Stephanie heard him call her and forced herself to sit up, she took a deep breath then turned and looked at him, she couldn't hide the pain she was feeling, the despair she felt, nor the anger that was brimming at him just beneath the surface, nor did she try.

"Ranger' she said flatly

Ranger proceeded with caution "want to tell me what happened'

Stephanie felt the anger take precedence "didn't think you would want to know'

Ranger let the comment go "Steph you were hurting yourself, of course I want to know why'

Stephanie let out a sarcastic laugh 'right, you care, didn't you just relinquish yourself of that burden last night, you know when you dumped three years of friendship in my lap and walked out the door without letting me explain, so no ranger, I don't particularly feel like telling you what happened'

Ranger gripped the steering wheel in both frustration and guilt "that's not quite how I meant it Babe, you know I care about you, more than care'

Stephanie cut him off "don't, don't call me babe, don't try and tell me you give a damn, just get the hell out of my car so I can drive home'

Ranger sighed "you aren't going anywhere until you get your head looked at'

Steph smiled fake smile "fine then I will stop off at the hospital on my way'

"And tell them what happened?' Ranger asked softly

Stephanie shrugged "that I hit my head, what does it matter what I tell them, like they don't already think I am the joke of Trenton'

Ranger fought to keep his voice calm and neutral, underneath he was deeply concerned for Stephanie and her state of mind, she was hanging on by a very small frayed thread and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

'Please just let bobby take a look at it, curse and hate me all you want, just please let bobby check you are ok'

Stephanie felt the anger leave her as quick as it had come "ok'

Ranger blinked at how easy she gave in "ok come on' he gestured for her to get out of the car, which she did, and he followed.

Ranger followed her up to the seventh floor, he opened the door for her, and she sat down on the couch without looking at him. He buzzed the intercom and asked for Bobby to come up. He then grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge and headed over to Stephanie and placed one down on the coffee table in front of her.

Previously he would have reassured her by touching her, with a hug or a kiss, but right now she had ventured off into territory he had never seen her in, and he was deeply worried that he was at least part of the reason she had been injuring herself, the thought made him feel both sick and angry at himself, the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her.

Stephanie reached for the bottle of water and took a sip, she avoided looking at Ranger, and scared of what she would see there and how she would cope with what she saw. She gave a slight shiver like she was cold, and a moment later she felt a warm blanket being wrapped around her. She looked up and her eyes met Rangers, all anger and aggression was gone and now all she felt was grate gaping hole inside her where she thought her heart had been.

"I'm sorry' she whispered not really sure what else she could say.

Ranger took this as his queue and sat down next to her "it's ok' he said softy

"no its not' she whispered 'I don't know why …. I just wanted it to stop… for it all to stop…and the pain… it felt good… it felt right…like I deserved it' she continued "I don't know why I just….Ranger I'm so sorry'

Ranger reached out and pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her, she didn't cry as he expected, she just snuggled into his chest and almost instantly fell asleep.

Bobby came up only a few minutes later and took a look at her head, he didn't wake he up letting ranger know it was just a scratch.

After he was finished Ranger carried her into his room and put in his bed and covered her up. She didn't stir once.

He then made his way out to bobby and closed the door behind him.

'What happened' Bobby asked quietly

Ranger took a deep breath "I am not sure, the head injury she did to herself'

Bobby blinked "I'm sorry what'

Ranger nodded "I know, I've never seen her like that, so out of control and almost animal, she's always the bright happy Steph, who gets into danger and shrugs it off, but today, she sat in her car and was smashing her head so hard against the steering wheel I didn't know who I was looking at'

Bobby felt his jaw drop 'She smashed her head against the steering wheel, Ranger something is definitely up'

'I know, and I think it might be my fault'

Bobby took a step closer to his boss "how so'

Ranger closed his eyes and slumped down onto the lounge behind him "I told her last night now that she as engaged to Morelli that I needed to create some distance between us, she argued and was upset, but I expected that, I told her to be happy, thinking I was doing the right thing by letting her know I thought she was doing the right thing'

Bobby nodded "so you think that created this, Ranger man I don't think it's just that, there is something else going on here, something deeper'

Ranger nodded 'I agree and I want to find out, but I have my orders to be on a plane in five hours and I don't think she is in the state of mind right now for me to push it out of her, bobby I need you to look out for her while I'm gone, be there for her in any way she needs, I don't want to come back to find anything has happened to her'

Bobby nodded "no problems boss, what about the cop'

Ranger stood from his chair and looked at Bobby "what about him'

Bobby sighed "what if he makes the situation worse'

Ranger tensed "then do what you have to, to keep her safe, mentally and physically'

Bobby nodded and left the apartment, giving Ranger time to say goodbye before leaving on his mission.


End file.
